Tuesday Tune Two-Fer: Members Only

Last week, the new album from a super-huge pop star was released, and I saw tons of messages from people getting super-hyped. Most of them came with a preemptive admonition warning the rest of us not to ruin it for anybody with our wise-cracking comments and criticisms.

I thought that was a little weird, but hey, whatever. I’m not a fan and in fact have zero opinion about any of it beyond “let people enjoy things.” You kids go off and have your fun; you won’t hear anything from me.

But then it started coming in online, a slow trickle at first before becoming a mighty wave crashing down o’er me. Reviews that seemed to be of the consensus “it’s fine” (okay, fine), comments about how it’s a momentous pop culture event for The Gays (one of my pet peeves, but whatever), and then way way too many people reacting to one of the tracks, which apparently is about the singer’s relationship to her famous football star fiancé’s penis.

Now when I agreed to be on my best behavior, that was based on the assumption that I wouldn’t have some rich straight woman waving her man’s junk in my face. I can’t stress enough how much I don’t care about any of it¹Now his brother’s, on the other hand… no comment. but all the commentary and oh my god can you even believe it? reactions are goading me into having an opinion.

And that opinion is: it’s kinda basic, isn’t it? I haven’t yet heard the song. I’ve read that “it slaps,” but I’m still not sure if that’s about the song itself, or its subject. But I did read the lyrics,²I was hoping that I’d be able to figure out which one it was from just the track listing, instead of having to read through all of the songs, and sure enough it’s right there. Solving the mystery wasn’t exactly like tracking down the Zodiac killer. and it just seems like someone trying to be insightfully poetic while unaware that people have been singing about dongs for almost as long as people have had dongs. Like I’m happy for you, but you’re not breaking new ground.

Take for instance “The Lemon Song” by Led Zeppelin. When I first heard it as an early teenager, I didn’t like it. It was too long to only have one really good part, and once you’d used up all the novelty of going “tee hee” over the lyrics, there wasn’t much reason not to just keep playing “Ramble On” on repeat.

But as I got older and learned more about music history, I grew to appreciate it for calling back to the centuries-old blues tradition of using citrus as a metaphor for genitalia.

And of course, there’s what is undoubtedly my favorite song about a dude’s package, which is “Gigantic” by the Pixies. To me it never felt like they were winking about getting away with being naughty, but more like an earnest appreciation for something of majesty. “With her lips she said, hey Paul let’s have a ball” is an all-time great lyric even if you don’t read it as double entendre.

So I’m not trying to bring bad vibes by pointing out that this has been done so much better. And usually I’m a huge supporter of shameless over-sharing. But I think that once you become so entrenched in pop culture that you’ve become inescapable, it’s a little garish to be telling people who are completely uninterested about how much you enjoy doin’ it.

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  Now his brother’s, on the other hand… no comment.
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  I was hoping that I’d be able to figure out which one it was from just the track listing, instead of having to read through all of the songs, and sure enough it’s right there. Solving the mystery wasn’t exactly like tracking down the Zodiac killer.