Who are you and what have you done with my television show?

Rain pointed out that TNT has started showing season 4 of “Alias” in preparation for the premiere of season 5. I watched a couple from the TiVo, and thought this is no good. The people are still there, and they’re still saying things that sound familiar, but everything’s all different. And they’re spoiling stuff. This isn’t the show I fell in love with! I must’ve come in halfway through the season and ruined everything!

But then I checked an episode guide, and I found I’d started with episode 3. All the big changes that were confusing me so, had happened in the first two episodes. Damn! When they reboot a show, they don’t fool around.

Then I decided as long as I was confused, there’s no harm in watching both seasons simultaneously. So I went ahead and watched tonight’s premiere of season 5. Damn! When they reboot a show, they don’t fool around.

So as near as I can make out:

Everybody quit the CIA and told chubby agent Weiss that they’re going to work for a bank, but then Sydney’s sister turned into a zombie and then moved in with her, but Vaughn’s father changed his name and then died and then Sloane was leading this top-secret black-ops agency of the CIA from his jail cell but Jack killed Irina Derevko and then she got engaged to Vaughn but they broke up because he was upset about killing Lauren but then he got her pregnant and died so now it’s four months later and Sydney is planning revenge.

But there were also lots of explosions and some dude got freeze-dried and then shattered into a million pieces when he got shot. That was bad-ass. Who needs to understand what’s going on? They probably don’t understand what’s going on.