Pride vs Grace

For the past few years, I’ve tried to start out the month of June by reconsidering the concept of “pride” and what exactly it means to me. This year in particular, it’s become pretty clear-cut, since so many politicians and public figures have stopped even trying to pretend to be decent human beings, and they’re now shamelessly persecuting trans men, women, and children.

As somebody who’s not transgender, but has just a basic level of human empathy and decency, I think it’s appalling, disgraceful, and inexcusable. As somebody who’s gay, and who has mostly kept my mouth shut because I can’t and shouldn’t claim to speak for anyone else, I think it’s especially disgusting to see people trying to drive a wedge between trans people and the rest of the LGBQs.

It’s shameless, because they’re using the exact same arguments against trans people that they used against gays and lesbians during the years of fighting for marriage equality. Now they’re attacking people’s identities — demonizing people not for who they love, but for who they are. When a professional flatulating asshole like JK Rowling claims to have lesbian and gay allies, her hope isn’t just to legitimize her own bigotry, but to encourage now-properly-assimilated lesbians and gay men to join in the attacks on a new minority. “Whew, we’re safe. Who can we persecute next?”

Instead, what it’s done is clarify just how cartoonishly empty and meritless the attacks have been all along. They’ve always been attacking people’s identities. It’s always been disingenuous, bad-faith bullshit. And for me personally, it’s made me regret all the times I tried in the past to treat it as if it were in good faith.

Since I came out, my philosophy around gay rights and marriage equality in particular has always been to stand your ground, but extend grace to the people who want to understand. After all, it took me many years to get comfortable with the idea of coming out, so why should I expect anyone else to just “get it” immediately? Don’t accept anything less than full equality at the governmental/societal level, but be patient at the personal level.

At the time, it seemed to make sense. Even after the political issue is resolved, we’ve all got an entire lifetime left to live around each other. Doesn’t it make sense to try and help people understand where you’re coming from, and how it’s just the most basic question of fairness and justice, instead of letting any question of “legislation from the bench” or “forced tolerance under penalty of law” linger in the background, waiting to cause problems again at some point in the future, as soon as it becomes politically convenient for someone?

The obvious problem with that line of thinking: being patient and trying to make sure that people were comfortable with the idea of tolerance is exactly why it took me so long to come out in the first place. For years, I said that I wished I’d come out in my 20s, but for practical reasons. I could’ve had a lot more life experience by the time I started getting into serious relationships. But now, I wish I’d come out in my 20s because it would’ve given me more years to shed all of the impulses that kept me in the closet.

Which of course is one of the key ideas behind Pride. Having the strength of conviction to declare “this is who I am,” without having to first wait for anybody else’s approval. It requires the realization and acceptance that you will never be good enough. The people who want to find fault with you will always find a way to find fault with you. And the people who actually matter will never think of you as just “good enough.”

That means being a person of integrity, standing up for yourself, and standing up for other people who are being treated unjustly. In my case, it means not staying silent because it’s not my place and I don’t know what it’s like to be trans, but speaking up because I know what it’s like to be human. And it is my place, because a lot of cartoonishly unnecessary bullshit is making life worse for several people I care about.

Back when marriage equality was the wedge issue being used to make people miserable for the purpose of votes and money, we heard an awful lot of clowns complaining about the gay agenda being “shoved down people’s throats.” And we’d mock it, because it was obvious bullshit, but also patiently try to explain in firm but easily-understandable language how that simply wan’t true. People want to be themselves and live in happiness, it doesn’t affect anyone else in any way, and they’re not trying to “shove it down your throat.”

Now, it’s been several years since marriage equality and laws against anti-gay discrimination have spread over the United States. And it’s been proven that it was such a complete non-issue that only the shittiest and least-effectual politicians are even attempting to dredge it back up again as a wedge issue. And yet we’re seeing the exact same bullshit arguments lodged against trans people, with the exact same false claims about “protecting children” from people who don’t give a shit about children, and the exact same capitulation from the Democratic party who still treat basic human decency as a political hot potato that they’re unwilling to touch. So I think it’s long past time for patience or grace for people who don’t deserve it.

I think now, if you’re being true to your identity and someone accuses you of “shoving it down their throat,” the correct response is “Choke on it, asshole.”